*written on March 28, 2013*
Okay, so. here we go.
Last June I took drivers education. Worst class I've ever taken anywhere ever. I did all my drives, my observations, ranges, assignments, etc. I had my permit already for several months, I basically already had a car... Blah blah blah. So toward the end of July I took my drive test. And I was doing great, feeling awesome about it, hadn't made any mistakes. It was great. But then my driving instructor ended my test before I had done all the maneuvers. He's like, "Well, you can just go to the DMV when you're sixteen and take the test. It only takes, like, twenty minutes."
The crap, dude? What did I do wrong?
I'll tell you what I did wrong.
Story within a story time.
I was doing my u-turn. I was in the middle lane, chillin, waiting for a clear space so I could turn around. I was facing south at the time, and there were two north-bound lanes of traffic on the road. So I'm waiting in the median, and pretty soon it's all clear EXCEPT for this one guy, but he had his signal on which made it look like he was turning into a subdivision that branched off from the major road. So I'm like, sweet, let's go! Foot off brak--what!" Yeah. He braked me. Apparently he had some sort of ESP where he knew that the dude wasn't actually gonna turn into that subdivision, cause the guy didn't turn and I felt super stupid. I swear Mr Cummings paid the guy to be there and have his signal on just so I would fail. Anyway, they never told us that if the instructor brakes you, it's an automatic fail. They were always like, REMEMBER TO PRACTICE PARALLEL, CAUSE IF YOU HIT THE CONES YOU'RE SCREWED. But they never told us about braking. So I failed my drive test. That was the only thing I did wrong.
Anyway, to the present-ish now. At the beginning of March we called the DMV to schedule an appointment for my drive test. The stupid bonehead lady who answered told my mother that it was recorded I had a passing score for my drive test. And I was so excited. Oh my gosh, I couldn't believe it. I didn't actually have to take the stupid test again? What!
So I'm all excited. And on the 21st we went in to get my license. I walk up to the guy, "hey, I'm here to get my license." Blah blah blah, he was kind of a mega jerk, blah blah, "well, we don't have any record of you taking the drive test."
What.
OH MY GONNA KILL BABIES AND STAB BUNNIES AND SWEAR PROFUSELY IN FRONT OF INNOCENT CHILDREN.
I mean, are you kidding me right now, Mr. DMV jerk?
*shows me the computer screen* "see?" *I can't even see it and I'm pretty sure that if I could I wouldn't understand it anyway*
Okay, find me the idiot who we talked to on the phone and kill her family.
So we go to schedule a drive test. Nearest appointment: April 17th. KILL ME. KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME KILL ME FIVE THOUSAND TIMES.
When we got home, I went into my room to lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling filled with pure, utter hatred for all of mankind. I made this list...
"What I feel like doing right now: an explicit list.
Blowing up a building with ten tons of gasoline stolen from foreign nations, causing hundreds to lose their jobs.
Beating to pieces a new $400,000 sports car with a steel baseball bat.
Finding a disgusting rodent and smashing it with my foot until it squeals in pain and its guts spew out.
Personally stabbing 200 times each person I come in contact with for the next 24 hours.
Stealing the identities of each of those whom I brutally murdered and selling them on the black market for thousands.
Mailing their body parts to their families one by one, day by day, in Tiffany ring boxes.
Driving my illegal, uninsured self to a daycare center in a car bomb.
Contracting AIDS, then purposely bleeding all over everyone I find with an open cut."
Isn't it a beautiful list?
While I was making this list, mom was downstairs calling, like, every stupid DMV in the western United States to see if we could get an appointment before my permit expired. (I've been 16 for like 20000000 years. And by that I mean almost six months.)
The nearest appointment we could get was the 2nd of April, the DAY BEFORE my permit expires. And it's at 9 am, 40 minutes away from my home, on the second official day of my spring break.
I hate driving. And my parents are making me drive, like, 12 hours per day until the 2nd of April. I had better pass this stupid test cause if I don't I will literally do all the things on that list and then never try to accomplish anything again in my life.
The end.
*written on April 2, 2013*
I don't need a license if I'm dead.
*written TODAY*
Okay, well I have my license now.
TOOK ME THREE TRIES. JUDGE ME.
When I paralleled the last time, it was the most beautifully-executed parallel park ever. True story.
I've had it now since April 11th, and I drive like A BAZILLION MILES EVERY DAY. Not really.
I love my car.
Yeah. The end.
