Why I Said No to BYU

When I was 11 I decided that I wanted to attend Brigham Young University in Provo, despite the challenge of my status as a white Utah Mormon girl. I had always worked hard in school. I was on honor roll in middle school, I took advanced classes, and I created independent credits that satisfied my need for a challenge at my very small high school. I took the ACT three times, got a good score, and my GPA is not a 4.0 but as close as you could possibly be.

So, in October I applied to BYU with my slew of academic achievements and good hope. And in February I was accepted. Obviously I was excited, but I didn't have any clue how to pay for school.

I waited for the Sterling Scholar awards. I didn't get any scholarship money there (because there are high school students that belong to every club and are president of half of them, and they all have 4.0s and perfect 36 composite ACT scores and they've volunteered 30 hours a week since they were 7. But that's a different story.)

I waited for university scholarships to be awarded. I got none. (Utah Mormon girl.)

I applied for FAFSA, knowing I wouldn't qualify for grants, because I am a member of the glorious middle class, just accepting the fact that student loans would plague me for the rest of my life. FAFSA still hadn't come through.

I had an apartment agreement. I was planning my class schedule. I met my roommate. I took a campus tour. I visited a friend for a day who attends and got a real taste of what it would be like, and I was bursting with excitement (and a little bit of fear).

Three days before the acceptance commitment was due, I freaked out. None of this is right. I can't do this. I have been strung out for so many years in effort to get to this place, and now that I'm here, I can't do it. This is not what I'm supposed to do.

But I had put all this work into it. I worked so hard. I had payed fees. I won't get some of the money back. I had met my roommate and seen my apartment. I had a plan. How could this plan--this 7 year old plan--not be right?

I talked to people at work and at school and church. I got a lot of advice. "I almost wonder if a college education is worth the money anymore." "But it's okay to go into a lot of debt for school." "I'm so glad I waited to find out what I really wanted before I went into schooling." "I wish I would have waited to go to college." "It's good to just take some time off and have some fun and save some money."

So my plan was wrong. I was overwhelmed with my life and on the path to being more overwhelmed, and I did not want that path. I am done being overwhelmed. I need some time. And it's not really about the money, although that is a big part of it. I don't want to be in debt as an 18 year old. What it's really about, though, is my emotional and mental health. Yeah, I lost $85 to fees and agreements. But is my sanity really only worth $85?

I said no to BYU, even though the words "You can decline acceptance? Why would someone go through all the work and the whole process of applying just to say no?" actually came out of my mouth. I did. I went through the whole process just to say no. But there's always another chance. If its right in the future, it will happen.

Now I don't really know what I'm going to do, and that's weird for me. I'll be working. I'll probably take a few classes from the community college. ("A community college? You were accepted at a really high-expectation university!" Yes, I know.)  I'm not really the type of person to just not have a plan. But I think that's what this might be about. Not everything has to be planned and contemplated and worked to the point of destruction. Maybe I'm just supposed to learn how to live without a plan. I know that hard work is important and I've learned and practiced that, so maybe now I just need some time.