A Boy Happened

Disclaimer: super personal and I'm not holding back at all. Also potentially dramatic and/or boring to anyone who didn't live through it. You were warned.

 

What has happened the past year-ish of my life? 

Well, we'll start in August 2011. Starting at a new school, got a new haircut, new lots of things, and it was like a whole new life for me, this high school experience. Not a normal high school experience, cause I don't believe in public education, but still high school. 
I remember everything about that first week of school- that last week of August. I liked the "new" of it all. It was so lovely to have change. I was 14 at the time, going on 15 the coming October.
So, I was making a few friends. But there was this boy. In one of my classes. Just one, every other day. I wanted SOO badly to talk to this kid. I noticed him on the second day of school. That was August 23rd. I tried so hard to catch him after that one class we had together. Every day I'd think that was the day I would speak and every day it didn't happen. I didn't even talk to him until September 28th! (Also that was the day of the Taylor Swift Speak Now World Tour 2011 in my town, so it was a pretty dang great day.) But Oh my gosh, I was such a coward. And when I did finally talk to him, it was because I forced a mutual friend to introduce us. Shame.. 
So we were, like, okay to talk less-awkwardly now with the whole introduction thing. That was still kinda rare at the time though. It was soo obvious that he was interested in me. 

On days when I didn't have class with him, I had a class right after him in the same room. So every B day as he was going out, I went in and he smiled and said hi. Every B day. 
On October 4th-ish I invited him to my birthday party. Yep. I was barely talking to this kid and I'd only officially known him for like a week and I'm all like "hey, have an invitation!" Well, the next day he told me he couldn't come. that was.. Oh my gosh that was such a bad day. Not even because of him but it was a terrible day. That morning this girl who apparently liked him came up to me, she's all, "So, I hear you like this kid?" And I'm like, "Well I don't really know him that well, but yeah, I think he's cute." And she said in the snottiest voice "well, he's mine." Being a teenage girl, at first I was thinking whoa.. And then I went into challenge mode. But this girl hated me. She abhorred me. If I came near her she would walk the other way. (Now we're actually pretty good friends-go figure.) Anyway, that was just a super terrible day for lots of reasons. 
On October 7th I had a solo in our first choir concert of the year. Totally aced it, in case you were wondering. That was the day. HE FREAKING HUGGED ME AFTER SCHOOL THAT DAY. I was ecstatic. It felt like there were squirrels jumping around in my brain. I was really interested in this kid, and he hugged me. HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP. It was a super mega awkward hug but STILL. 
So the next day was my birthday party and it was kinda a super fail.. But we won't get into that. 
Lets skip to November. 

Ah, November. So I was in choir, right? Well we were putting on a musical at the school. I was in the sitting choir, and since my school is not your average high school, we had a pit orchestra for our musical. No pre-recorded crap, just live music provided by students who worked lots of hours on it. Anywho, this kid was in the pit orchestra. Both of us were in it but neither of us were actually on stage. But that's where this all worked out. The stage actors had rehearsal by themselves from 3-5 pretty much every day after school during this time. But my rehearsal started at 5. I lived half an hour a way from the school, making a trip home not entirely worth the time it took to get there, so I just stayed after until my practice started. That was almost 2.5 free hours. At the school. And this boy was there. GASP. 
I can't exactly remember how this all came about, but we spent every second together during those rehearsal days when it wasn't our time. During that time we got to know each other pretty well. On November 18th, we held hands and it was freakin adorable. He's all like, "I've never held hands with a girl before." And I was like 'aww!' 
Anyway, during this spending a whole lot of time with him, my friends were noticeably pissed about it. They would always badger me with questions about him, convinced we were doing stupid, bad things together when we disappeared for those couple hours. But all we did was talk. And just talking with someone was lovely. 
We were pretty close after that and we spent a ton of time together. My friends hated it, but I didn't care. 

Eventually winter break came and it was 19 days long. That was such a long time.. After the break, we didn't really spend as much time together, and I think it kinda freaked him out a little bit. We were just so used to being together all the time but I think he got kinda worried and maybe even a little offended after the break. For awhile there we were kinda constantly mad at each other..  

On January 19th he kissed me.. On the 21st we stayed up talking till 2 am. On the 25th I kissed him.. And on the 26th... The 26th was at the time one of the worst days of my life. 

He came up to me before school, told me he needed to tell me something. There were roughly 4 minutes till school started and he takes me aside and says, "My dad found out." See, he had to be keeping this a secret the whole time, cause like I said, his parents are retarded (that's where my near-hatred for overprotective parents came into play, in case you were wondering.) anyway, he told me about his douche father (that's my name for him now-told you I'm not holding back) and here's how it went.. My brain: h$@dyha%HGEHEHhahhuiwoojdb*suhabhavvbc#njcuWHHAAAAT. My face: No detectable emotion whatsoever. My mouth: *very, very quietly* so? 
"He wants me to end it." Once again, my brain: geyhagaiiz#$opsbdhehw*djsHA$VGEHEOAOLZBbsujak. My mouth: uhhh I need to go to class... So then he hugged me before I went and I was like, 'WHAT THE HECK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, DUDE?' Why was he hugging me? He was supposed to never talk to me again.
So the rest of the day we didn't even look at each other. We passed each other countless times and just awkwardly looked away. Not a glance. So then right before the last class period of the day I walked past him (very purposefully) and he grabbed me, he's like, "Can we talk?" But I had to get to class. "After school, then?" FINE, I'LL TALK TO YOU AFTER SCHOOL. 
So the whole class I was like: vsuuahHuwi*#JjAHhjajjajh*@rijsjnahAQWJopnfkkah. (Actually that's kinda what my whole day went like..) So, after school comes around and we talked a little but I have no idea what the conversation was like. I remember everything to a T most days, but I cannot for the life of me remember that conversation. So then when I was leaving HE KISSED ME AGAIN. LIKE WTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU ARE BEING SO CONFUSING RIGHT NOW I WANT TO PUNCH YOU. 
I went home and I cried.  

Needless to say, however, we most certainly did not end our relationship. Quite the opposite in fact... 
For awhile things went on fairly normally. We still had that one class together. He sat in front of me and one day I was so tired I put my head on his shoulder and fell asleep. Then we got into a bit of difficulties.. Throughout March we sort of avoided each other, for lack of a better word. I mean, I totally didn't mean to, but I thought he was done with me and my friends were spreading rumors and telling him that I hated him and stuff like that. However, I did not. At all. There was this day.. The 26th of March. It was lightly raining outside and after school we went out there. I was obviously afflicted but I didn't want to tell him what was wrong. I felt like he'd been totally ignoring me for the past two weeks. Early on in our friendship I would always tell him I had a million questions that I could just sit and ask him forever. This day in the rain he asked me what happened to that. "What happened to the girl with a million questions?" And I seriously wanted to cry. This past year has been a huge year of change for me, but I didn't realize until that day that I was quite different. I was growing up. In retrospect, I was probably a little depressed at that time in my life.. Anyway, I don't really know how we got over that, but on March 30th we had lunch outside together, which consisted of no actual consumption of food, just laying in the grass and talking. This came to be a common occurrence. First it was "I want you every Friday for lunch." Then it was every Friday and all B days. Well, eventually it became every day.  

This boy.. I can legitimately say I loved him. I know everyone says that young love is always just infatuation or imagination, but this wasn't. We knew each other. Like, really knew each other. We told each other everything, all the secrets and dreams and mistakes. And I can honestly say I loved him. Loved, that is. 
I don't really know anymore.  

But to continue the story, we were back to spending all our time together. 
During spring break I made a huge mistake. I went to go hang out with this friend who I knew had a huge thing for me. Problem #1: my really good friend had a huge thing for this kid. Problem #2: I was basically "dating" someone else. Problem #3: I was being stupid. Anyway, this friend kissed me. 
After spring break, I knew I should tell my basically-boyfriend.. So I told him. But I didn't tell him the entire situation, and really, it wasn't a big deal at all. Not just because I was trying to convince him it wasn't my fault, which it only kinda was. It was my being there with this friend in the first place that started it all, but he totally kissed me and I didn't kiss him back. Anyway, this boy was extremely upset. That was a pretty hard time communication-wise..  

The end of the school year came closer and closer. All along, there was a possibility that he might transfer to another school. (Right now anybody who's reading this knows what's gonna happen.) but that comes later in the story. I still have the last two days of school and the entire summer to talk about!  

The last two days of school were the most bittersweet days of my life thus far. I was extremely depressed in anticipation of my long, lonely summer to come, but I spent a lot of time with this boy and it was good. 
Lots of things happened those two days.. But I won't get in to explaining all the little over-observant, girly details of it all. 
While I left school on the last day, it was all I could do not to cry my face off. I did cry my face off that night when I was trying to sleep. I wore his jacket to bed. He gave it to me to keep a few weeks before school got out. So anyway.. That night I sent him an email just as a comfort for myself. The next day was Saturday and I got an email at about 10 in the morning. Little did I know what that lonely Friday night email would start. I estimated (with a little bit of math) that about 10,000 emails were sent this summer. And you're probably thinking, 'wow, you emailed this kid the entire freaking summer?' To which I will say, yes I did. Because that was the only way. (We both have an iPod touch, so it was basically like texting.) so, anyway, even though I hate electronic communication, it was the best I could hope for. We did FaceTime quite often but mostly it was the emails. And I have to say, we learned even more about each other. The summer was good. We stayed up till very early hours of the morning and late hours of the night talking (because we both have nightmares). It was the best summer of my life. (That's not all I did. I did a lot of traveling and went on lots if adventures, too, which I will post about later. I promise I'm not a loser who had the best summer of my life sitting at home emailing a boy.)

 
Anyway.. On July 25th he told me his parents had made the final decision-- he wouldn't be coming back to school. I was very upset. Extremely upset and sad and mad and every emotion there ever was. He promised he would be back. He promised me while I was crying in his arms on the last day of school that he would be back. I should have known better. I was a stupid little girl... 

On the 30th of July I went to his last basketball game. I looked super attractive, just adding that in there. He lives 40 miles away and my lovely, non-overprotective parents drove me there. He'd grown at least an inch since the end of May.. He'd played the whole game so I'm not gonna lie, he was exhausted and hot and yes, sweaty. BUT I DIDN'T CARE. I WAS GONNA HUG THIS BOY IF IT WAS THE LAST THING I DID. (It wasn't the last thing I did.) I don't know how long I hugged him. It was a long time. Probably close to 3 minutes. And then he kissed me. We talked a little, and then it was time for both of us to leave. I hugged him again, he kissed my forehead (which is my favorite thing ever) and told me he'd miss me.. I walked out to my car and sat in the back seat, trying not to cry. (I cry a lot, get used to it.) and the next night was one of the last nights I would talk to him. 

His father got involved, and it was basically the end. On August 3rd he called me at a friend's house and we talked for 13 minutes and 47 seconds. 
Then it came time to venture back to school and relive all those memories that I missed so much. It was painful. And I was extremely sad for a very long portion of the beginning of the school year. I also realized I had no male friends because I was always with him the previous year. But the start was a very difficult experience for me. 

I still walk past all the places where all those memories happened and get really sad. But now it's a little different than it was at first. I get sad, but then I get a little happy, simply because it all happened in the first place. 
I have talked to him. 3 times since that first Friday of August. Once on my birthday, the 13th of October. Then on the 17th and the 22nd also. He always apologizes. But it's not his fault. I am still bitter and angry, but not toward him. Not toward him at all. No, it's the father. 
I can say I do feel better now. Time does heal some things, but not others, and it will always make me sad and a little angry. That's why I'm hesitant to say that I still love him. Although I did for a time, it's been awhile, and I know I've changed, so he probably has too. I loved him. I might love him again. But right now, I think I just really care about him. I value him. 
Because for awhile I had someone to tell all my secrets to. I had someone to make me laugh every day without a doubt. I had someone to argue with over stupid things. He would always let me win and then we'd laugh at ourselves. I had someone to help me with anything and everything, and I would do the same in return. I had a best friend who I could always count on. That was taken from me. Maybe I'll have that back someday. But a maybe is a only a maybe. And right now, I guess a maybe has to be good enough for me.